By Erin Rovak Henderschedt
Erin and her four boys
Every family has its challenges, of course, but the challenges that military families face are, most definitely, unique. Unlike people employed in other careers, a service man or woman has no choice but to put his or her job ahead of everything else, which means the spouse has to take care of everything else at home. Serving our country takes a back seat to no one, including one’s family.
The Military Spouse’s Job – Being a Military SpouseAs a result of the priorities placed on military families, the military spouse’s career is secondary to the service member’s. When a family moves to a new locale at least every three years, establishing a career is difficult, if not impossible, for the following spouse. A military spouse’s career, first and foremost, is just that — as a military spouse.
The role of military spouse is a real job, even if the pay isn’t. In my 17 years as a Navy wife, I’ve learned that my husband has his job responsibilities in the Navy and I have mine. Both are dictated by the Navy. His are paid and mine are unpaid. I take on my responsibilities with joy, mostly, as well as duty, just as my husband does his. Neither of us is in it for the money. He is in it for love of country. I am in it for love of him.
The way I see it, my most important job, as a military spouse and mother, is to make our military lifestyle easier on the kids. Since our first son was born, nearly 15 years ago, we have moved eight times. I’ve found us eight homes, eight sets of schools, eight doctors, eight sets of friends for my kids and eight sets of friends for myself. It isn’t easy, but it’s never dull, and the quicker these necessary jobs are done, the quicker the family can go about settling into our new duty station.
Tips For Settling In Fast
With so many military transfers under my belt, I can offer useful tips to other families going through moves themselves. When our family moves to a new home, in a new town, the first thing I do is get the new house looking as much like home as possible. I get the boys’ bedrooms situated, using the bedding and décor from our previous home and puting pictures up on the walls throughout the house, first thing. Some people may save these things for last, but if you’re trying to get kids feeling comfortable fast, they can make a big difference.
After the first steps toward making the place feel like home are behind us, I take the boys out on the town and we find the fun things to do in our new environment. Just like them, I am always apprehensive about moving to a new place, so finding the fun parts about that new place really helps us all adjust our attitudes from sorrow in leaving our old place, to joy in arriving at our new one.
Attitude is everything. Of course there is plenty to mope about when a family is forced to relocate, no matter what job leads to the move. I have learned that if I focus on the positive aspects of our new location, rather than dwell on the negative aspects, we are all happier. My positive attitude can help set the tone for the whole family.
Once the kids start their new school, things move quickly. Making friends and getting into a good routine goes a long way toward helping the boys feel stable. Once they are settled, I can go about getting myself situated.
Helping the family feel comfortable in the new home is job number one for a military spouse during the transition time. That means there is limited time for job hunting. The most important job is at home, helping the family, because the service member almost always starts the new job immediately upon arrival at the new duty station.
Taking Care of Your “Other” Career
Civilians might look upon the military spouse with pity for having to sacrifice one’s own “career,” but, for a military spouse, often, the career is the family. The job of a military spouse starts and ends at home, even when there is a paying job elsewhere.
Due to the nature of military jobs, the service member usually cannot be depended upon for time-sensitive child care and help at home. My husband, for example, usually leaves the house at 5:00 in the morning and doesn’t return until his job is done for the day – sometimes that is not until 10 p.m. Plus, he often travels. He recently returned from an extended deployment and with four kids in three schools, there was no way I could have held a job away from home during that time.
That said, there are plenty of opportunities for military spouses to work at every duty station. Many military bases have a civilian employment office to assist non-military personnel in finding jobs. Message boards on Military.com offer a means to network with military spouse-friendly employers in a new locale. Telecommuting is a good option because it means the job can be done from anywhere in the world. Asking your employer at the duty station you are leaving for help networking at your new duty station can be very helpful. Many military spouses find home businesses, like Pampered Chef and Tastefully Simple, to be a fun and satisfying way to bring in extra income.
A military spouse learns quickly that his or her career will always be a second priority but, with effort, he or she can stay active and work wherever the military takes the family. It is important to keep expectations realistic and especially important to keep a positive attitude. The role of military spouse truly is key to the success of the military mission. If the service member knows his wife is commander in chief at home, he can do his job with a clear head. Both jobs are important, and as long as husband and wife accept their roles, everyone can be happy.
Erin is a parenting coach, writer, academic writing coach, Navy wife and mom to 4 sons (one who has Autism Spectrum Disorder). She recently parented solo during her husband’s 20 month deployment. Her boys are 14, 12, 8 1/2 and 5 years old. She keeps two blogs, The Deployment Diatribes and Been There Done That Mom, where she offers insight into military family life and no-nonsense parenting. She has lived abroad in Scotland and China and domestically in Virginia, Kansas, Missouri, Washington and Hawaii.
