Talking Sock Drawers and Tuna Curry: Coping With My Son’s Deployment

By Charli Prather, MSW LCSW OSW-C

My son and I have a special language we share around the issue of deployment, and it involves his sock drawer. When a deployment is getting near, I ask him: “how many pairs of clean socks do you have today?” The clean sock count is actually the number of days until my son leaves for his deployment.

I knew we were getting close before I even asked the question one day recently. “Around 4 pairs mom,” he said to me.  I know that I’m not allowed to receive an accurate count, but it gives me a range and lets me know he will be leaving me again soon.

He’s barely been back in the states and already he is returning to a place that doesn’t want him there. Since he returned, he has had to endure unspeakable losses. Barely home 12 hours, my son learned of the tragic loss of a friend and several other peers after their plane went down. The media had little to report regarding the deaths of other mother’s children that day.

We drank a lot of coffee the morning after the plane went down. We communicated the loss and the grief in our silence with each other.  Our relationship has grown since he enlisted.  We were always close, but my understanding of his love of his job has taken our relationship to a level that I hadn’t expected until he had children of his own.

Because I understand the importance of his military family, and honor my place as second to that family. I felt that he was sucker punched twice that evening, the first time for the loss itself, the second because he was here visiting me as an obligation prior to returning to his deployment.  Here to comfort me —  take care of my needs, rather than being near friends who could properly share his grief.

Barely one week later and back in the arms of his military family he got the news that a mentor of his had been killed.  Killed by someone he had trusted on the other side. Another loved one taken from his mother, his wife and his children and taken from two communities who loved and respected him. My heart broke for my son and others impacted by this loss.

A lot of military mental health research focuses on the effects of deployment on the soldier. More recently, we hear more about how deployment impacts spouses and children. This is great progress. But there are mothers, fathers, grandparents, adult sisters and brothers who aren’t included in the research.  Where is our support going to come from?

By the time that I post this entry, we’ll be down to fewer or no socks.  The cycle will begin again.

I’ll get in my car and drive to Trader Joe’s for his favorite tuna curry, Bed Bath and Beyond for the coffee pods he loves, a note of encouragement that makes me sound so much stronger than I am.  Ending with standing in line at the post office where I will hand the package over to the person across the counter and state:  “I am the proud mother of a member of the United States military, please handle this with care.” The postal worker will smile at me and assure me the package will be delivered carefully. But, can he or she ever really know what it’s like?

Charli Prather is a licensed clinical social worker and a board-certified oncology social worker. In addition, she specializes in deployment psychology. She’s a TRICARE provider and a Give an Hour provider. She keeps a blog called Military Zen Mom.