By Christine Leccese
Holidays are a time to celebrate family, friends and tradition. While it’s great to honor those things, the holidays are also a time when people who have recently lost a loved one struggle the most. The year after a loss is full of firsts: first anniversary without a spouse, first birthday without a parent, first summer vacation without a friend. Of course, the holidays represent the first time many people celebrate without that loved one by their side.
There are a few things you can keep in mind to help you cope with the first holiday season without that person.
Expect the unexpected. When I lost my father in 2006, I knew certain days would be hard. His and my mom’s anniversary in May, his birthday in August, and Pearl Harbor Day (he was a passionate Navy vet and – Pearl Harbor Day was always a sacred day on his calendar.) What I didn’t expect was how difficult summer vacation would be. I was completely caught off guard by seeing my uncle because of his intense resemblance to my father. This brought home the fact that you can’t always predict what kind of event will get your emotions going.
Make your own rules. More often than the rest of the year, many of us are operating with obligation in mind. What do the kids want? What does my spouse want? We don’t want to disappoint anyone, so we do what we think we must, instead of what we want. This year, think about what you want to do for the holidays, instead of what you should do. If skipping the holiday cards or cookie baking will make your life easier and free up time with which you can do something you really want, do it!
Assess your traditions. My father, not a big cook, did manage to make a delicious homemade gnocchi and fried eggplant every Christmas (and get flour all over the kitchen in the process). My brother picked up the tradition, and I love it. It makes me think of my father and some funny images of him cooking. On the other hand, some people find it too painful to repeat certain traditions without that missing loved one, and want to create new ones instead.
Reach out and help someone. Maybe helping someone else though the process of losing a loved one will make you feel better. Sometimes, doing something nice for someone who isn’t expecting anything can feel better than fulfilling obligations. I loved surprising my friend at her pharmacy with her favorite hot chocolate. She was thrilled and surprised, and it was a great moment to share. (My children don’t offer the same reaction when I bring them a drink!)
Don’t ignore your pain. Trying desperately not to think of a loved one during a time they would be with you can be more painful than acknowledging his or her absence. Lighting a candle in the person’s memory, sharing memories or looking at photos may help you and everyone else to move on. It may also help you to think about what that person would want you to do. Chances are that he or she would want you to remember them, but move on and enjoy the holiday, too.
Whatever works for you this holiday season, remember that things will get better. While the first holiday season after a death can be difficult, people report that they are able to feel joy during the season with the passing of a little time.
Christine Leccese is the communications and marketing manager at Military Pathways.
