The following post is based on an article by Lisa Frederiksen, titled, “What to Say to Someone With a Drinking Problem,” that first appeared on her blog, www.BreakingtheCycles.com, on February16, 2014.
For those of us who have a close friend or family member with an undiagnosed drinking problem, you know the challenges of talking to someone about his or her drinking. People who rely on alcohol often become adept at deflecting comments about their drinking and have an excuse for everything. Perhaps you have tried before and heard excuses such as:
- You drink, too. Why is it any different for me? What’s the big deal?
- A couple of drinks a night isn’t a problem.
- I only drink on the weekends.
Because of these common responses, it’s important to be able to express to the person exactly why you think his or her alcohol use is problematic. Try to be specific and clear with statements such as:
- I don’t know if you are aware of what happens when you drink, but yesterday you ____.
- I’ve been doing some internet searching trying to figure out if I should say anything about how you behave when you drink too much and found some great resources. I’d really like you to do the anonymous alcohol use self-assessment at DrinkingIQ.org. It specializes in addressing alcohol use among service members, veterans, and their families.
- I think you have alcoholism – I say this so boldly because I’d never understood what alcoholism was before, but now I’ve been doing some research, and it appears you may have it. I’d really like you to take this anonymous assessment at www.DrinkingIQ.org.
- I’ve finally found a name for what happens to me when you behave the way you do while drinking – it’s called secondhand drinking. I’m going to be learning more about this, but I wanted you to know that the way you act when you drink is causing real problems for me. I’m not sure what to do about it, but I also understand that my old ways of talking about this don’t work, either.
It is also important to know what NOT to say, such as:
- You’re a drunk!
- Do you know how stupid you sounded last night?
- Once again, you broke your promise.
- If you loved me you’d stop.
While these are all things that are tempting to say and it is certainly understandable why someone would say them, they are shaming, and will more likely put the person on the defensive than doing anything constructive. You don’t want to upset the person or put them on the defensive before the conversation even starts. Tell him or her that you plan to do more research and will follow up – and set a time to talk. Also explain that you are doing this out of love.
