By Marjorie Morrison
“Friendship is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” Muhammad Ali once said. So what does the term “friendship” really mean? I’ve always been curious what makes someone a good friend and someone else an acquaintance? Is it a personal connection you have with them, how much you have in common, or perhaps a certain something impossible to define?
Working on a Marine base I am keenly aware of what appear to be very strong friendships everywhere I go. As a civilian who didn’t grow up in the military culture, I was curious how these bonds formed and what makes them so powerful. I sat down with some service members and spouses and we had a candid conversation about how people in the military keep their relationships functioning well. The elements of any strong relationship, communication and trust, are vital aspects of military friendships.
Staff Sergeant Cavazos, a Marine who agreed to be interviewed in an effort to help me understand, explained “for Marines, it’s more than just friendship, it’s true camaraderie. It’s not something we have to work on. Our fellow Marines surround us wherever we go. A Marine is going to like you regardless of your personality.” He continued: “It’s your spouse who has the hard part. A military family experiences a lot of duty stations, which translates to a lot of moves. Each time we move, our families have to leave friends behind.”
Staff Sergeant Plesimond, another Marine, added: “As soon as we open our mouths we’ve already bonded with each other. We can all relate to almost every conversation we may have. We’re quick to say ‘let’s go grab a drink’ or ‘go for a run.’“ He paused before adding, “It’s just not the same for spouses. They don’t have that common bond.” However, in talking to two Marine spouses, I found a different, but very powerful, bond.
I thought about myself, and how I’ve lived in the same town for 18 years never having to relocate. I wanted to gain more insight into military spouses so I decided to talk with a couple of FROs (Family Readiness Officer) both who are Marine Corps spouses. I was grateful they agreed to help shed some light for me. I stated out by asking them about the unique issues that military spouses have to deal with, especially around friendships. I wasn’t surprised to hear that friendship among military spouses takes on a whole different meaning than they do in the civilian world.
Spouses need to know they have confidentiality
“It all comes down to trust and being able to maintain confidentiality,” Marine spouse Sabrina King said about her friendships with other military spouses. “There is an art to venting among spouses, and confidentiality is a vital part to that. It’s okay to share opinions and ideas without causing harm to others, which in turn gives you the opportunity to learn from the experience of others, but you have to know when not to disclose what you’ve heard.”
When you don’t keep confidentiality within the friendship it can cause tremendous conflict. To a service member, this means more than simply unnecessary drama. These breaches of confidentiality can impact the service members’ career. “Depending on what is said, it is not uncommon for the command to find out. Spouses need to be careful that when they talk about someone, they don’t use names,” King said.
Marine spouse Elizabeth Diaz told me: “Be careful to watch your tongue when you are upset. At the moment, you may want to tell the world the horrible things you are mad at your spouse about, but once you say those things, you can’t take them back.” Diaz continued: “You may want to punish him, which at the time may make you feel better, but in the military, whole investigations can be started from rumors.”
Trust in a military friend is not only necessary in keeping service members and their careers safe, it makes the friendships themselves stronger.
King chimed in: “There is a true benefit of keeping a friend’s confidentiality. You develop trust, which is the pinnacle of strong relationships. You get a safe place to vent and [a person to] bounce things off of.” She added: “Military life is so transient, you never really know when you may see that person again. You don’t want to have people on your bad side, because chances are your paths will cross again at another point. Due to the constant movement from base to base, its’ harder to maintain long-term relationships. However, when you develop true relationships based on trust, those friendships can last a lifetime.” She explained how with modern technology like social media and cell phones; it’s easy to maintain long distance friendships.
Ask yourself: Would you be OK with someone overhearing?
I asked the two FRO’s, who happen to be best friends, what advice they give to the spouses they work with. They said: “The next time someone shares something personal with you, stop and think before you decide to share it with anyone else. If you’re not sure if it’s confidential, or they didn’t specifically tell you not to tell anyone, ask yourself if you’d be comfortable saying it with them overhearing.”
Diaz added, “Spouses need to stick together. When the guys’ leave for deployment, all we have is each other.” King reinforced, “Whether in the unit or around you in your military community, spouses understand you in a way that no one else can. We need each other; not just personally but also professionally. Making and having friends is a great networking opportunity. It just may be a friend from your past that helps you land your next job on your new base.”
I now feel closer to understanding the true meaning of friendship.
Marjorie Morrison is a California Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) and a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPC). She has a private practice and has also done extensive work with the U.S. military, stateside and around the globe. She is also the CEO of Psych Armor.
