By Jen Pilcher, MA CCC-SLP
Military spouse and www.militaryoneclick.com founder Jen Pilcher shares her list of military family Do’s and Don’ts this holiday season.
DO: Spend time with others.
Your spouse may not even be home for Christmas, but count on your friends and other family members to share in the holiday spirit. If you’ve recently moved and don’t know many people where you live, tap into your spouse’s unit family events. I always attended the squadron holiday events with the other spouses whose husbands were deployed and I remember all the fun we had!
One New Year’s Eve I had a beautiful candle-lit dinner in a restaurant with my friend Jen, whose husband was also deployed. She was about 7 months pregnant at the time. We kept laughing that everyone must have thought we were a couple. We had a great time. I truly believe humor is the way to get you through – everything!
DO: Create new traditions.
Every year my kids get a kick out of hanging two special Christmas ornaments on our tree. One Christmas ornament reads “Our First Christmas Together 1998″ and the other reads, “Our First Christmas Together 1999″. How can we have two “first” Christmases together? A few weeks after my husband and I were married on August 1, 1998, he deployed with his squadron overseas until January 1999. So our “first married Christmas” was 1998, however our “first Christmas spent together” was 1999. The kids love to see this unique collection each year – only in a military family!
DON’T : Be miserable if you can’t be together.
There are plenty of ways to make the season bright even if you can’t be together over the holidays. You can even have some fun with the fact that you’re apart.
Kate Fosson, MilitaryOneClick web designer and Navy spouse, made the most of one Holiday season while her husband was in Afghanistan. She made a t-shirt with a funny photo of her spouse and wore it to all of her holiday events. She took photos of herself wearing the t-shirt with all the people she visited and shared the album with her husband. It was priceless!
During my husband’s 1998 deployment, since we did not have children yet, it was just my dog Sydney and me. Sydney and I decorated the tree together – well I decorated – she ate the cookies. I took Sydney to visit Santa and put her picture on our family Christmas card.
Find fun ways to share the holiday spirit with your service member, whether near or far! Being miserable is no fun for either one of you!
DO: Take leave if you can.
If your spouse is around this year make sure he/she takes leave, even if you don’t plan on “leaving”. The time you spend in your own home is worth every amount of leave time, and your family will be grateful to have your full attention. Most commands will have a holiday stand-down time for this purpose, and of course to take a break from working. Take advantage of it!
DON’T: Wait until the last minute to decide how to spend the holiday
If your spouse is not deployed, where do you spend the holidays? Before we had children it was much easier to travel during the holidays. “Home” to me felt more like my parents house in New Jersey, than our apartment in Jacksonville, Florida. Being a Jersey girl my whole life, I had a hard time hanging Christmas lights on a palm tree in 85 degree weather.
However, once we had children, home became where the military sent us. We want our children to wake up in their house on Christmas morning and find the presents Santa left under the Christmas tree we decorated together. Not everyone feels that way. Where to spend Christmas is a very stressful topic for military families. They often live far away from the relatives, and therefore can’t open presents under their own tree in the morning and end up at the Grandparents for dinner. It’s usually all or nothing – which makes it hard. So here’s how to reduce the disagreements: Notice I said reduce, not resolve. That’s where you come in.
Talk about this early and make a decision. By early I mean around the 4th of July, not the week before Christmas! Make a decision that works for your family – the people living in your home. Of course, every mother in law wants to see her little sonny boy, so this is a decision that needs to be made between you and your spouse. Every family is different and you have to find what works for you. You can take turns; one year your home, one year his parents, one year your parents and one year on a tropical island, then start over!
DO: Make rules about company
“Fish and Company start to stink after Three Days” … Benjamin Franklin Set up a specific period of time that you are going away or are hosting company. My husband has a 10-day rule and I know many friends think this is way too long and others who have their families stay with no expiration date. Pick a time frame and make it known to all.
Wherever in the world you decide to spend the holidays, we wish you a very Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Hannukah, or whatever you celebrate! If your spouse is deployed, we know it’s a tough time to get through, and we are sending you hugs. If you are fortunate enough to be together this year – enjoy this precious time of the holidays.
You can check out more Military Pathways blog posts at https://www.militarymentalhealth.org/blog/
Jennifer G Pilcher is a military wife, spouse, and founder of Military1Click, a website (no login, no password!) that provides quick and easy access to the newest resources available for the military, their families, and those who support the military. You can reach her at Jennifer@militaryoneclick.com.
