By Andrea Carlile,
With a high divorce rate, being married to someone with PTSD can be a challenge. It can be monumentally difficult to care for him or her, understand their pain, and deal with the issues that will inevitably come up in the marriage. Some people will wonder why they should even try.
However, what if there was something you could do that changed those negative outcomes? Not all marriages in which one spouse has PTSD fails. What makes the ones that last survive, and even thrive?
There is no blueprint, no one things that works for everyone. I can tell you from experience, however, that there are some steps you can take that will help a marriage to someone with PTSD thrive. I won’t kid you, it’s not easy. Upon reflecting on what holds my marriage together, I can think of six elements that have contributed to our marital longevity.
1) Faith. When we are weary, we need to know that we will be sustained throughout trials that arise that are beyond our control. Whatever faith that may be — whether an organized religion or not — can bring you strength.
2) Consistent communication. PTSD is an ongoing disorder with many complexities. When a couple can communicate effectively, they can minimalize miscommunication, which often leads to bigger problems. Good communication also fosters a closeness that helps you walk the path together. Couples counseling can facilitate effective communication and teach you communication skills, regardless of your communication style.
3) Common interests. An excellent outlet for stress is to take on a new hobby or interest together. Some people try fishing, writing, sports, woodworking, collecting, models, scuba diving, or just playing games together.
4) Compassion and understanding. Your veteran may have changed because of the complexity of the PTSD. He or she may struggle with routine tasks, show signs of paranoia, or be hypervigilant. While no one should tolerate abuse or mistreatment, compassion and understanding can go a long way in working through the really difficult days. You may find some help in these short videos about coping with PTSD.
5) Find strength in a peer group. Speaking with others who face the same battles can help you understand and forgive, and increase compassion. Finding out what you can from books and the Internet about PTSD is great, but there is no substitute for empathizing with someone who is or has been in a similar situation.
6) Take time for yourself. It is more difficult to care for your vet if you are weary, depressed, or experiencing secondary trauma. Counseling, rest, and sharing in a non-judgemental environment can really assist in making you stronger and better equipped for caring for your vet. There are many organizations that care for families with a member who has PTSD. The local vet center can offer counseling and support groups.
Caring for a vet with PTSD is no easy task but perhaps, utilizing some of these methods will help. My husband and I recently reevaluated our marriage. His nightmares increased and as did his paranoia and hypervigilance. We were both scared. However, we reached for these tools. It helped immensely, and we are back on track. Sure, there will be setbacks, but knowing we have tools to help care for each other and our marriage brings confidence that we will not fail. Hopefully, this can spread and the statistics and lives facing PTSD will be dramatically changed.
Andrea Carlile is the spouse of a 12-year military veteran, received her Master’s from Indiana Wesleyan University, speaks to groups about PTSD, and is pursuing a career in Family and Marital Therapy. The War That Came Home is her first novel, and she hopes to publish more books in the near future.
