By Dr. Darlene Powell Garlington
Communication helps to keep relationships strong during deployment. This can be challenging when military couples experience extended periods of separation, and communication channels are not always optimal for intimate conversations. At each stage of the deployment cycle, being able to negotiate, compromise and resolve conflict requires commitment and skill, particularly in terms of communication.
Communication challenges are inevitable in any relationship, however when these challenges appear in intimate relationships, they should not be interpreted as an indication of incompatibility. Instead of asking yourself, “why do we argue” or “why doesn’t he know what I want” ask “how can we resolve our differences appropriately, even lovingly” and “how do I tell him what my needs are in a way that he will hear it.” Communication is the key to a strong, healthy relationship. In intimate relationships, the ability to talk and listen to each other should be genuine.
The Four Communication Styles in Relationships
There are generally four styles of communication within intimate relationships. Not everyone falls into one category. You may have some of one and some of another. We may use different styles based on different situations but we do use one of the styles more often — readers can assess which style they use most frequently.
- Passive – doesn’t speak up for oneself; internalizes feelings
- Aggressive – fails to respect other’s feelings and thoughts; self-centered
- Passive Aggressive - indirect in communication; sneaky; vindictive
- Assertive – direct; open; respectful of others; willing to compromise
Although there are four different general styles of communicating (listed above), couples should strive to communicate assertively. Couples who communicate assertively are most successful as a team. Assertive communication does not concern itself with “winning” – the objective is not to overpower, dominate or be “right” but to lay the groundwork for understanding, compromise and negotiation. Mutual respect enhances communication skills.
The goal is to express feelings and needs clearly and directly while respecting each other’s
feelings. It takes a conscious effort to communicate assertively and avoid making assumptions about each other’s feelings. It is important that a non-threatening environment be established to encourage meaningful dialogue. Nonverbal cues are also an important part of assertive communication. Making eye contact, listening, sitting in a relaxed manner, and responding positively all convey the message that you are an attentive, respectful and open-minded listener.
If this all sounds like it only happens in some marital Utopia, do not despair. You can take steps to improve and strengthen your marital resiliency
- Meeting your partner – think of when you first met and remember all the things that attracted you
- Attracting your partner – think of when you first met and the things that you did to attract your partner to you
- Relating openly to your partner – express your feelings assertively
- Responding to your partner – listen attentively when your partner is talking
- Imagining a loving and fulfilling marriage – focus on the positives and envision what you want your marriage
to be - Affirming the Blessing of Marriage – say positive statements about your spouse and your marriage
- Growing in Love and Marriage – set goals to improve your relationship and follow through
- Empowering One Another – praise and reinforce each other for effort and progress
Test Your Relationship Communication Style
In order to recognize your own communication style, imagine the following situations and choose the response that most closely matches the one you would probably use. Following the situation questions, there is a section that identifies your response with one of the 4 styles of communication.
1. Your spouse is being deployed and you plan a romantic dinner but he/she arrives hours late saying he/she had to say good bye to a few friends. You say:
a. It’s OK. I’ll just reheat the food.
b. I feel upset because you are late.
c. Where the hell were you?
d. No big deal, I fed the food to the dog.
2. Your spouse tells you that he has a meeting with his/her commander. Later, you discover that he/she actually met an old friend for drinks. You:
a. Call his/her mother and complain about it
.b. Cry and tell him/her how much you love him/her.
c. Explain why you feel so angry and disappointed.
d. Yell, scream and call him/her a liar and a cheat.
3. You return from deployment and your spouse wants to be sexually intimate, but you aren’t feeling as amorous, You say:
a. Haven’t you had enough yet!
b. I have a headache.
c. OK, sexy.
d. I know you are in the mood, but I’m not feeling like I want to be sexually intimate right now.
4. Your spouse wants to borrow $100, but your budget is very tight and you don’t want to lend it. You say:
a. Sure.
b. No way, you are trying to use me again.
c. I understand that you need money, but I’m on a tight budget and can’t share it right now.
d. I would lend it to you but I can’t find my wallet.
5. You are upset and angry because of a conflict in your unit and you want support from your spouse. You say:
a. I need a hug, it has been a frustrating day.
b. Why can’t you be more sensitive?
c. Let’s have sex!
d. Nothing.
6. Your spouse wants to Skype with you during deployment. You are having a disagreement and realize that other service members can hear your conversation and you are uncomfortable. You say:
a. I don’t care who knows what a jerk you are.
b. I agree with everything you are saying.
c. I would rather Skype another time when we have more privacy.
d. I don’t feel well so I’m hanging up now.
7. When you go to the commissary, you feel that your spouse belittles you in front of others. You say:
a. You are such a mean and arrogant bum.
b. I feel embarrassed and upset when you say “keep it moving” while we are shopping and I don’t appreciate it
c. I’m trying my best.
d. Everyone at the commissary speaks so nicely to their spouses while shopping.
Check your answers
1. a. Passive �
b. Assertive
c. Aggressive
d. Passive-aggressive
2. a. Passive-aggressive
b. Aggressive
c. Assertive
d. Passive
3. a. Passive-aggressive
b. Passive
c. Assertive
d. Aggressive
4. a. Aggressive
b. Passive-aggressive
c. Passive
d. Assertive
5. a. Passive
b. Aggressive
c. Assertive
d. Passive-aggressive
6. a. Assertive
b. Aggressive
c. Passive-aggressive
d. Passive
7. a. Aggressive
b. Passive
c. Assertive
d. Passive-aggressive
Darlene Powell Garlington, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist, certified school psychologist and media psychologist and specializes in providing services to military members. She is a senior policy analyst at Altarum Institute, consulting with Deployment Health Clinical Center. She is the author of several books on a range of topics that include parenting, psychology and spirituality.
