Build Your Resilience through Practicing Compassion

By Dr. Perry Bosmajian

In the first century ADE, Philo of Alexandria offered this piece of advice, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.”  Two thousand years later psychologists tell us that he was right on the money.

This simple understanding, that everyone is fighting a great battle, allows us to have empathy and compassion toward others.  Empathy is the ability to understand and feel what is happening inside another person without being told.  It’s the ability to read and understand the emotional cues that people are constantly giving off, often without their knowledge.  Compassion is possible when we understand that the “great battle” Philo talks about is the full range of struggle that defines some part of a person’s life.  These struggles can include: fear, heart break, illness, and grief.  Philo understood that almost all of the hurtful and nasty behavior that we ourselves exhibit or that others exhibit toward us comes from this “great battle” leaking out into the world.  Philo implied in his advice that it’s easier to be kind and compassionate toward others if we understand where their negative behavior is coming from.

So how does this all relate to being Resilient?  Think about individuals in your life who are able to bounce back from bad situations or who seems to take difficult situations more or less in stride.  Do these people spend a lot of time and energy holding on to anger or resentment? Do they obsess about being slighted or about someone’s rudeness?  Do they make aggressive gestures when someone cuts them off in traffic?  One of the qualities to being resilient is the ability to see the world clearly.  This means that resilient people understand that negative behavior they encounter is the other person’s great battle.  A resilient individual understands that time spent focusing on the negative behavior of others is time not available for their own lives.  They are not about to have their lives derailed by focusing on people who don’t understand their own struggles.  The key question of course is, “How do we let it go when hurtful, inconsiderate or even aggressive behavior is directed toward us– and move forward with our lives?”  The answer lies in Philo’s words.

But before we go any further, let’s think about the implications of what it means to “let it go”.  Some believe that a decision not to become enraged or not to retaliate in the face of negative behavior directed toward them is an indication of weakness.  It’s actually very much the opposite.  The need to demonstrate that we are not weak is in itself, a glaring admission of weakness.

“Letting it go” is also not the same thing as accepting misbehavior.  It simply means that we understand that someone is allowing their “great battle” to leak into the world.  We can internally acknowledge their struggle (have compassion) and then decide a course of action.  In some cases we may find a way to be helpful and in some cases we have to protect ourselves if someone’s pain is causing them to direct misbehavior in our direction.  For example, if a dog is hit by a car and is injured you would be well-advised to wrap him in a blanket or jacket before you attempt to pick him up.  If you don’t protect yourself you are likely to be bit, not because the dog is malicious, but because he is in pain.  The same is true of humans in pain who are fighting their great battle.  Sometimes when we are confronted with these individuals we have to protect ourselves by setting limits or ending relationships.  That doesn’t mean we cannot have compassion, just that our understanding of the situation suggests a need for self-protection.

Compassion is a powerful tool in the Resilience toolkit.  It allows us to let go of anger, it supports forgiveness, and by doing so it is a major factor in creating and maintaining good relationships.  Each of these qualities is associated with long term health and happiness.

Dr. Perry Bosmajian is a psychologist and subject matter expert with the National Center for Telehealth & Technology’s AfterDeployment.org program.